August Wrap-Up

It has been an interesting month. Bookended by visits to the hospital/emergency room and in the middle lots of working and not sleeping and feeling like poop. Yup.

Now, I am unemployed. And in all honesty, I don't think I'm going to go back to [redacted] after little one is born. There was too much drama and guilt tripping going on. I'm sorry that I'm pregnant and some days I'm not functional and that means you have to change your plans or miss your day off but it is your restaurant and it is not my fault that I was the only employee you had left and you hadn't even thought about hiring anyone else. Did you think I was going to just pop the baby out and come back to work the next day? And sorry I fell down my front stars and effed up my foot (for a full account of the incident, see the husband's blog) and you had to close early one night because you had tickets to the theatre. Shit happens. And trust me, it sucked way more for me than it did for you. /end rant

I suppose it hasn't been all bad. Little one seems to be growing normally despite only having two vessels in the umbilical cord (apparently, this is pretty common, who knew?) and I don't have gestational diabetes. Whoo. I upped my dosage hopefully for the last time and, at least for the last few days, have been feeling much better.

Brian and I have been cooking a bit more in the last couple weeks. The tomato soup was not a great success, but if you dipped grilled cheese in it, it was much better. We made jambalaya courtesy of a mix from the Soulard spice shop and some delicious Andouille from the Soulard meat market. Also there is a pound of ground lamb in the freezer just waiting to be made into a fake gyro. We made some delicious chili as well. Unfortunately, Brian left it sitting out overnight and I could not have seconds. Brian, of course, decided it was fine and has been eating the leftovers all week. No signs of sickness yet. Finally, and then I promise I'll be done talking about food, we made cheese ravioli last night with a spinach-artichoke sauce. Sinfully delicious. Plus the recipe made way too much sauce for the pasta, so the leftovers are going to be used as dip for our tortilla chips.

Yesterday, we went to the baseball game cause, you know, free Adam Wainwright bobbleheads. Had to trade in our tickets for handicap seats, but they turned out to be amazing! Right on the first base foul line (or whatever you call it, I don't know all the lingo) and on the first level. Pretty freaking sweet. Oh, and we won!

That's about it. Now, I'm limping around the house doing housework in ten minute bursts because that's about all the time my ankle can be stood on without pain.

A Bit Late: 27.5 Weeks

Why yes. That is my shower curtain in the background.

Sigh

...I want a real vacation again.

What? Huh?

I just discovered that my student loans have been deferred. Now, while this is technically good news since I was planning on calling them in October or November and telling them I wasn't going to be able to pay them for awhile - what with all the baby and not having a job and stuff - I hadn't done anything yet. So the letter they sent me in the mail - that being how I found out about this and then I confirmed it online - said that it was because I was enrolled part-time. And while this is technically true, I was not accepted into a degree program (that I know of because even though I have the application I haven't sent it in yet) and I'm not taking classes right now. So...yeah. Call me confused.

Also, does this mean I can quit working earlier than I thought? God I hope so. So flippin' tired.

Food Ambition

So. During the day, I watch a lot of Food Network. And I do mean a lot. About the only thing on daytime television (other than soap operas and court shows, which I would not watch if my life depended on it) is reruns of the Daily Show/Colbert Report and food network. And since I tend to watch the Daily Show when it first airs - unless I've already passed out from exhaustion - I watch such high quality television as Guy's Big Bite and Semi-Homemade Cooking. Although I have yet to see anything on either of those two shows that I would actually want to make, I did see something ridiculously delicious on Tyler's Ultimate the other day. Roasted Tomato Soup.

Let me just digress for a moment. During the first few months of my pregnancy, about the only food that did not make me actively nauseous was the creamy tomato soup from Bread Co. I ate it almost every day. Unfortunately, it is a "seasonal" item and it was discontinued for the summer. I don't know why; it was one of the most popular soups on the menu. So, my inside source at B. Co tells me that they are bringing it back soon but I just can't wait any longer. And I really have no desire to set foot in there ever again (despite the delicious new pastries which Desiree has been tempting me with all week).

Okay. Where was I? So this recipe was on his Ultimate Mac-n-cheese show and I just could not help myself. We're gonna make both of them this weekend. Brian and I went down to the farmer's market this morning - it is very strange to be there not on a Saturday, by the way - to get some supplies. We got the tomatoes and the onions and the garlic, but the whole reason why I wanted to go down there instead of to the grocery store was because they usually have herbs for about $1 a bunch. Unfortunately, the farm stand that has the herbs wasn't there today. Grr. Also the recipe seems a bit more complicated than we are used to making. Oh well, keeping my fingers crossed that we don't screw it up too badly. I want me some tomato soup!

Can I Help You?

Yes. I am that crazy person who likes to take lots of pictures of her cats - especially when Josephine is making her classic, "I'm trying to nap here. What do you want?" face.

Notes from the Last Week

Brian destroyed our $700 camera on Saturday. Okay. Let's back up a bit here. I was scheduled to work that morning but I was having a bad attack of cramps (fun!) so even though I went in, I left early. Went home, napped a little and ate lunch but then Brian wanted to do something. He was convinced that a little walking around would help ease the pain. So we went to the zoo. I only agreed to the crazy plan because I wanted to see the stingrays - plus, it was late enough that I knew we wouldn't have to park too insanely far from the entrance. Well. Brian had the camera bad on his shoulder but he hadn't closed the clasps; so, when he leaned over the tank, the bag popped open and the camera fell into the water. Yeah. After drying it off, we tried turning it on but the battery started smoking. Generally not a good sign when your camera looks like its about to catch fire. Fortunately, past experience has taught us to always buy the accident protection plan so we took it to Best Buy right away and they sent it off for service. If they can't fix it, we get a new camera. Yay!

Oh. And it didn't really help my cramps feel any better. Good news though, the stingrays loved me. There were like six of them at once trying to get me to pet them. Just call me the stingray whisperer!

Slowly, the basement is becoming more habitable. When we were in Charleston, Brian's parents gave us their under cabinet television that didn't work in their new kitchen and we set it up on top of the dressers so now I can have white noise to sleep to. We also purchased new curtains and sheets. The blanket doesn't really match the new stuff, but I have a cunning plan. Actually, it's not that exciting. We have a plain white duvet which we'll put out once it stops being so hot and save the blanket for when the parents are visiting for the air mattress that they claim they are going to purchase. Brian finally cleaned out the other half of the room so its baby furniture ready. Should be arriving in the next week (I hope!)

In pregnancy news: my back is killing me. Seriously. After finishing my ten hour shift on Monday, I thought I wasn't going to be able to move. After a delicious dinner at Crusoe's (we had a coupon!), I came home and hobbled to the couch where I collapsed for fourteen hours. I didn't sleep the entire time, but it was pretty close. My mother sent me a belly belt that - if yesterday is any indication - actually helps take the pressure off my lower back. Unfortunately, I got it after I got home on Monday. Also, I started having some graphic and terrifying dreams about labor and such (I won't disgust you with the details) and let's just say its got me pretty freaked out. Umm...yeah.

Six months as of Monday. If I didn't hate my dinky camera so much I would post a picture but I just don't feel like dealing with that thing right now. Maybe later.

People are so selfish

Today I am already in a crappy mood partly because I have the worst acid reflux ever. I mean seriously. It feels like there is either vomit right there at the top of my throat waiting to come out or I have to burp but am completely incapable of doing so. Yeah, fun. Every single time I eat something, this is what I get. Did you know that it is possible to eat too much when you're pregnant? Yeah. I found that out Tuesday night when after a bowl of tomato-basil spaghettini (and nothing else, I swear), I went home and puked up part of it. But I digress.

So.

People are selfish. Today's example: stupid fucking woman and her fucking tiny dog standing in the only available parking space near the apartment building I work in. At first I just thought they were waiting to cross the street because I drove past them to where I normally make a u-turn, but when I come back, she is still standing there; so, I pull up like I'm about to park hoping that she'll get the picture that she needs to move out of the street. Instead she mouths "I'm saving this spot" at me. So, I flip her off. I'm already on the verge of tears because I'm having a bad day. After circling the block and coming back up the street I end up parking what is roughly two blocks away and have to waddle all the way down to work. Lucky for me my ligaments weren't killing me today. Oh wait, yes they were. And then...And then! I waddle through the lobby to the restroom and who do I see sitting there? Yes stupid bitch and her dog. Only now she has a suitcase. Well, good for you lady. I'm glad your friend got to park so close to the building just so they wouldn't have to walk so far to bring you your rolling suitcase.

I really had to resist the urge to walk over to her and give her a lesson in parking etiquette. I don't care if you personally were standing in that spot first. If you are not in a car you are not entitled to "save" a spot for someone. It is a public street and everyone else has just as much right to park there as you do. Ugh. So fucking pissed off.

P.S. Sorry for all the swearing. Sometimes you just gotta let it out.

26 Weeks

Now I'm off to find some lunch!

Obligatory Animal Post

Meet Leslie. This is Brian's dad's turtle. He likes to carry around Ray's slippers and his favorite food is Kentucky Fried Chicken. He also likes to nip at people's shoes. Not their feet, their shoes.

On Depression

Can I be very personal here? I was diagnosed with severe depression in the summer of 2002. In all probability, I was depressed long before then - many years of putting too much pressure on myself to be better than my brother and a horrible high school experience will do that to a person. Add to that a rough roommate situation both freshman and sophomore year, twenty pounds of weight gain and a relationship that my parents were not entirely okay with and you get an emotional mess. I was prescribed Zoloft and was on that at increasing dosages for three or four years before I was switched to Lexapro. Neither was particularly effective, but I was functional. I didn't have severe anxiety attacks and I didn't spend all day everyday wanting to be in bed.

Fast forward a few years. Brian and I had just gotten married and I said to myself, I don't want to be on drugs anymore. I just didn't feel like myself so, without consulting with my doctor I just stopped taking them. I was off medication for a little more than a year and although I did occasionally have bad days, I attributed it mostly to my soul-crushing job at Bread Co. Unfortunately, within a three month period I had to spend a large amount of money I didn't have to repair the roof of our house, our house was broken into and a lot of stuff of both monetary and sentimental value was stolen, I developed sciatica because of my job and then I got into a really bad car wreck and totaled my car. With Brian's encouragement, I went to my doctor and after discussing the reasons why I quit taking drugs in the first place and why I thought they weren't working for me, she prescribed a fairly new medication. For the next couple of months I actually felt almost normal. And then I got pregnant.

So. Because this was a new medication and not an SSRI (which is considered mostly safe to take while pregnant) I had to stop taking it immediately. Since I always list depression on my medical history, my OB at my first prenatal checkup told me that it would be best to take some sort of medication. Apparently the risks of being on medication are the same as having a depressed mother not on medication. Did that make sense? So back to Zoloft it was. A low dose, lower than I was taking before I switched. Okay. Things were going okay. Not great but mostly manageable.

Well. Let's not forget the soul-crushing job. Even after I got pregnant and even after multiple requests, I was still scheduled to open the majority of the days I worked (3 or 4 times a week). That meant waking up at the ungodly hour of 3:45 in the morning. And then I was so rarely scheduled with anyone there to help me I would get so busy I would want to cry and walk out. Did I mention the horrible morning sickness, the insomnia and the return of my sciatica. I was stressed out. There were days when I would cry myself to sleep. Finally, I quit and started working full time at my other job. And while there are bad days there too, it is much less stressful for me most of the time.

I'm getting to the good part, I guess. I spent several weeks having regular panic attacks. If I was out in public somewhere and something went wrong or I wasn't feeling well, I would just start crying. Uncontrollably. There were days I didn't even want to leave the house I was so panicked. Brian took the initiative to call my doctor and she upped my dosage by a small amount. I'm doing better but, even so, if for whatever reason I happen to miss a day the next day will usually be a complete disaster.

All of this is a long way of saying that I struggle. A lot sometimes. And I have no idea how I will be able to handle all this come November. But I do have a really great husband and some pretty awesome friends who I can count on to make me feel better. So thank you.

Rough Week

Warning: I whine about my pregnancy. If you don't feel like getting a few gory details about this oh so joyous time, you might want to skip this post.

It has been a less than stellar week for me. Started out with a massive anxiety attack on Sunday relating to the final paper for my class. In retrospect, I probably should have started on it earlier than the day before it was due, but I usually work pretty well on a deadline. Apparently, that was not the case this time. Managed to get the bosses to switch their day off with me so I could have Monday to work on it and then relax a little bit. It all worked out okay: paper was sent off and I got an A in the class.

Wednesday I had to work ten hours to make up for the day I missed on Monday. It would have been okay except that I haven't been getting much sleep and my back and muscles have been ridiculously sore. I would be sitting down during a slow time and then have to get up and it felt like my legs were going to give out. There was such a horrible pain in my lower back. And then on Thursday I was almost completely immobile on the couch all morning. I got up to use the restroom and it was so painful to move and I had cramps that were so bad I had to call Brian and have him come home. The original plan was just for him to come bring me some lunch, help me take a shower and get dressed before I had to go to work.

It was a disaster. I think poor husband spent half an hour trying to figure out what I wanted to eat and, when I finally agreed to something, he had just gotten into the car when I called him and told him to come back inside. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to eat anything. It was just really, really bad. Brian managed to get me into the bathroom and gave me a sponge bath (too much information for you, dear readers?) because I wasn't up to standing for more than a few minutes at a time. Managed to get dressed and went to Benton Park coffee house and I was telling Brian about my cramps and abdominal pain and coupled with the fact that I had barely felt baby move the day before, he freaked out, called the doctor and they wanted me to go to pregnancy assessment.

So.

We went to the sketchy part of Barnes. And by sketchy, I mean the older building which has really ugly wallpaper and decorations. Fortunately, the wait for a room wasn't terribly long. Unfortunately, once I had a room and a nurse had come in and hooked me up to all these monitors, I immediately had to pee. I figured I could wait, which I did for awhile until just as the doctor was getting there I finally said "Screw it, I have to go." So they unhooked the cables and I had to carry them and walk across the hall in my oh so attractive hospital gown. Did I mention that it was really cold in there? Anywho. So got examined. Heartbeat looked good and the little contraction monitor or whatever wasn't picking anything up. So doctor checked my cervix (BTW, that is super fun. Except not) and she said it was nice and closed and really far back so whatever my cramps were, they were probably just mild contractions and there was nothing to worry about. Three hours in the hospital to find out nothing was wrong. I guess that's better than finding out something was really really wrong. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next few days, drink plenty of fluids and keep my feet up. That I can do.

Kitten Love

Over the last few weeks the cat which is designated "my" cat has become increasingly clingy. She loves to curl up and nap next to me or, more frequently, directly next to or on top of my tummy. It's like she knows.

Cravings

Foods that I could eat an entire vat of:

• Ellen's black raspberry ice cream
• Joy of Cooking frozen mashed potatoes with gravy

I also really want some tuna salad but that is unfortunately on the forbidden foods list.