NFL Picks, Week Twelve

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

GB vs DET: I still don't understand why Detroit always has a Thanksgiving Day game, they never win. Packers

OAK vs DAL: I think Oakland might have won last week. Who cares? Cowboys

NYG vs DEN: Three games today? WTF? Broncos

TB vs ATL: Red versus red. Atlanta has better red. Falcons

MIA vs BUF: My hatred of all things teal is well documented and my feelings about dolphins playing on land, but the Bills have kind of let me down recently. Dolphins

WAS vs PHI: Eagles

SEA vs STL: I can't in good conscience pick the Seahawks, even if the Rams do suck big donkey balls. Rams

CAR vs NYJ: Jets

CLE vs CIN: HAHAHA! Bengals

IND vs HOU: Can the Colts keep their undefeated streak alive? My feelings say yes, despite the boring logo. Colts

KC vs SD: Chargers

JAC vs SF: Both of these teams colors hurt my eyes. 49ers

CHI vs MIN: Vikings

ARI vs TEN: Is Kurt Warner hurt? I could look it up because I have no faith in Matt Leinart's abilities. Oh well. Cardinals

PIT vs BAL: I like purple. Ravens

NE vs NO: If I only I knew if Bill Belichick was going to be wearing his awesome headband, that would make this decision so much easier. I still love me some sexy Drew Brees action. Saints

My Labor Story

...or the things you never learn from the movies.

I have been attempting to write a coherent and not boring post about the birth of my daughter since Thursday. Trouble is, I don't think anyone out there really wants to hear all the gory details of my labor and delivery. So, here are the highlights.

• Apparently, food poisoning can send you into labor. I ate a bad can of soup Thursday night, threw up and then started having frequent if somewhat irregular contractions.
• Pregnancy assessment is the devil. I was there Friday night with contractions about 4 minutes apart but got sent home because there hadn't been any change in my cervix since I had gotten there. And then on Saturday, when we went back and my contractions had gotten worse, they tried to send me home twice but I refused because I think I knew it was going to be that night.
• Also, how depressing is pregnancy assessment? It's a tiny room with a very uncomfortable bed that has extremely sketchy floral wallpaper.
• When they break your water, did you know that it feels like you peed yourself? And then during subsequent contractions it continues to feel like your peeing yourself?
• No matter how badly I didn't want to get an epidural (another random fact, they have to give you a catheter when you get an epidural because not only can you not feel your legs but you also have no concept of whether or not you need to pee), when I was screaming in pain because oh my god this whole breathing through a contraction shit is not working, I will break down.
• Fifteen minutes after they finished giving me the epidural - which they had to do twice because the anesthesiologist didn't place it quite right the first time - I was fully dilated and ready to push. What. The. Fuck? Didn't even have a time to give me a catheter. Yes! Those things freak me out.
• That whole you push for like twenty minutes and then your done is a complete lie. I pushed for approximately two and a half hours. It was probably made harder because I couldn't feel anything from the waist down except for some horrible pressure in my hips and the urge to poop myself.
• It was all worth it. At 2:24 am on November 8th, Lorelei Jane was brought into the world and she is perfect.

She is fifteen days old and I can still just lie there staring at her for hours. I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone as much as I love her.

NFL Picks, Week Eleven

This is the pick for the early game:
MIA at CAR: I don't like teal, but I also don't like bad teams. Dolphins.

Sunday picks coming later! EDIT: Sunday picks added 10 am CST.

IND vs BAL: As much as it pains me to pick the team with the boring logo, the records don't lie. Colts

WAS vs DAL: I will never ever pick Washington. Ever. Cowboys

CLE vs DET: There are no winners in this game. Lions

SF vs GB: Wow. Boring logos all around here. Gold pants for the win. 49ers

BUF vs JAX: We all know how I feel about teal but the Bills really let me down last week. Jaguars

PIT vs KC: This is hilarious. Steelers

SEA vs MIN: How I hate to continue picking Brett Favre to win. But purple is vastly superior to many shades of ugly green. Vikings

ATL vs NYG: I like red. Red is nice. Falcons

NO vs TB: I don't need to dignify this with a comment. Saints

ARI vs STL: I do love me some sexy Kurt Warner action. Cardinals

SD vs DEN: Lighting bolt versus flaming horse head. I think the choice is clear. Broncos

NYJ vs NE: I wonder how much of the commentary in this game is going to be them talking about whether or not Bill Belichick made a mistake last week. Patriots

CIN vs OAK: I will continue to pick the Bengals. For funsies. Also the Raiders suck. Bengals

PHI vs CHI: Have you ever noticed that both of these teams abbreviations are greek letters? Eagles

TEN vs HOU: Why is this the Monday night game? Texans

NFL Picks, Week Ten

CHI at SFO: Who in their right minds would pick the Bears? I'm not a big fan of golden pants, but a logo with two letters beats a logo with one letter. 49ers

More picks later this week.

EDIT:
Here are picks for the early games (picks posted at 12:00 PM CST)
ATL at CAR: I don't like teal. Falcons.
TB at MIA: Disregard my previous reasoning in this case: Tampa Bay sucks. Dolphins.
DET at MIN: Heh. Vikings.
JAX at NYJ: Re-establishing my hatred of teal, plus the Jags are not a very good team. Jets.
CIN at PIT: I'll just keep picking the Bengals, I guess. Bengals.
NO at STL: Oh, that's HILARIOUS. Saints.
BUF at TEN: Leaping bison, as a logo, are interesting, possibly even more interesting than the flaming thumbtack of the team from Nashville. Bills.
DEN at WAS: Uhm, Broncos.

Late game picks come later.

EDIT: Late game picks!
KC at OAK: Brian tells me both teams will be wearing their old AFL uniforms. The Raiders' uniforms are less hideous than the Chiefs' are, so I pick the silver and black. Raiders.
SEA at ARI: One team is good and wears classy colors, the other is bad and wears four shades of sea green. Coincidence? I think not. Cardinals.
DAL at GB: Tough call. I guess it's a bit of a toss-up, so Packers.
PHI at SD: Philadelphia is a better team. Eagles.
NE at IND: Apparently, this is a major rivalry or something. The Patriots have a better logo, so where's the competition? Patriots.
BAL at CLE: The Browns are just terrible. Ravens.

Pooped.

Long winded posts are probably coming soon; so, to my (two) dear readers: keep your eyes out for that. Right now I just want to share that I am completely pooped. Lorelei turned 4 days old this morning and it has been a busy and extremely rough four days. Newborns are hard. Anyhoodle. Here's a picture of the sweet baby.

I'm a mother!

In exchange for what I just did, I think I should get a perfect score this week. I know I won't, but I think I should.

Anyway, I'm listing the picks. And stuff. I have a beautiful baby daughter, who cares about football?

WAS at ATL: Falcons
ARI at CHI: Cardinals
BAL at CIN: Bengals
HOU at IND: Colts
MIA at NE: Patriots
GB at TB: Packers
KC at JAX: Jaguars
CAR at NO: Saints
DET at SEA: Seahawks, I guess.
SDG at NYG: Chargers
TEN at SFO: 49ers
DAL at PHI: Eagles
PIT at DEN: Broncos

At Least Buy Me a Drink First

The weird and, let's face it, annoying part of being pregnant is that suddenly a woman's body is public property. Everyone is always up in your business and strangers think it's totally okay to touch your stomach. Now, I don't mind too much when people touch me if I know them. Husband? He better like touching my stomach or he's gonna get punched. Friends? Naturally. Former co-workers? Sure, I guess. My baristas at Borders? Well, I'm pretty attached to them since they are the providers of caffeine; so, if they really wanted to. Random strangers in the mall? Absolutely not. Fortunately this only happened once and, at least, she only rubbed my arm and said how good I looked and didn't touch my stomach but still. Not. Okay.

Also. Random people need to stop asking me when I'm due. I get one of two responses when I tell them. "You look so small still." Oh really. Try carting around 30 extra pounds all of which is centered in one small part of the body on top of my pre-existing back problems and sciatica and then tell me I look small. The other, more surprising one is, "Are you sure there is only one in there?" Yeah. Way to make a pregnant woman feel good about herself. Fortunately, this only happens when I'm wearing my sweatpants which do nothing to hide my enormous belly unlike all my other pants which have this weird slimming effect. Hmmm. Maybe I should stop wearing sweatpants in public.

Yeah right.

And then there are the doctors. Warning: I'm about to talk about my OB appointments. If you are in any way squeamish about this or just don't want to know: stop reading right now.

I go to a group practice. This means that there are five or six doctors who I see on a rotating basis. As nice as it would be to only see one doctor and build some sort of relationship with them, it would be very unlikely that they would be the one to deliver baby. One person cannot be in Labor & Delivery 24 hours a day and I would at least like to know who the doctor is when I deliver. Up until last week, I had met all but one of them. And wouldn't you know it, I have entered the phase of them checking my cervix every time I'm there. Hoo boy. Is that fun or what? So, this was the first time I was meeting this doctor and after about five minutes its like, okay, now I'm going to check out your lady parts. Umm. Hi. Shouldn't you at least buy me a drink first? And apparently, when I'm in labor, there will be random nurses who will be doing the same thing. Seeing as I'm sharing the same body with another living being, can my lady bits at least be somewhat off limits? I guess that would make delivery somewhat more difficult.

Just two more weeks...

38 Weeks

Does anyone know what a beached whale sounds like? Well, that's how I feel and I need to know so I can make that noise whenever I try to roll over in bed. Almost there (I hope).

I hope...

...that my daughter is less needy than my cats. There are some days that I swear if I hear Josephine yowl one more frickin' time I'm going to throw her out the front door and not let her back in again.

On Sunday, we finally put up the door to the basement. It was long process mostly because the door was hung before there was carpeting down there and was therefore not the right size anymore. Now, we have a saw. With a super-special laser pointer leveler thingie (very technical term) but we didn't have a work table. Well, this weekend while I lay on the couch in pain, the husband went to Home Depot and procured one. And then we discovered there weren't enough hinges. So we stole one from the basement closet (also currently doorless) but then once the door was up it didn't fit in the top of the frame properly so it was back to Home Depot for some sand paper. I think it was finally hung around 7 Sunday night.

After feeding the cats that night, we decided we needed to test out the door. Our house doesn't have doors except for on the bathroom and between the main part of the basement and the laundry room; so, the cats are used to having pretty free reign. (Also, I tend to not close the bathroom door all the way unless there is someone over at the house with me so even if I'm say on the toilet or in the shower the cats can come in there with me.) At about 12:30 am I had to get up to go to the bathroom because of tiny pea-sized bladder being crushed by baby. After my return there was much yowling and batting at the door. Oh. My. God. It was among the most annoying things ever. I wanted to strangle cats. I was really enjoying not waking up to roll over and being prevented from doing so by a giant tub of furry lard. Oy. Last night was better we went all the way until 4:30 am before the cats became unbearable and at my 2 am bathroom trip there were no cats huddled next to the door. Here's hoping we can make it all night soon because until baby is older they are not allowed to be in the bedroom/nursery while we are sleeping.

P.S. I would never actually harm my cats but one day I did have to to leave the house because they would not fucking leave me alone.

What Keeps Me Up at Night

The questions I ask:

• What do giraffes look like when they hiccup?
• Do you think a giraffe burp will lose steam half way up the neck so all you hear is a tiny *brap*?
• How do elephants blow their nose? Do you think they stick their trunk in their mouth and then suck the snot out?
• If an elephant trumpets and snot comes out accidentally hitting his elephant buddy, do you think they get into a snot fight?

Yeah. I'm weird.

NFL Picks, Week Eight

Well, the Bengals are on a bye this week, and there are only 13 games to pick. I wish I felt better, but I haven't slept well lately, and I'm really ready to have this baby out of me and into the real world.

HOU at BUF: Bills.
CLE at CHI: Bears, I guess.
SEA at DAL: Seattle will be wearing their all-green uniforms. So, Cowboys.
STL at DET: God, this is just pathetic. The logos tell me it'll be the Rams.
SFO at IND: Colts.
MIA at NYJ: I don't like the colors that the Dolphins wear. Besides, they're acquatic mammals! Jets.
NYG at PHI: You know, I don't know. I gotta say, I don't like the green. Giants.
DEN at BAL: The logos are clear: Broncos.
JAX at TEN: God, they both suck. I'm gonna go with the Titans.
OAK at SDG: Chargers.
MIN at GB: Oh, God. Did you know that Brett Favre is playing in Green Bay as an opponent for the first time? Oh, you hadn't heard? HOW HAD YOU NOT HEARD? It's on every radio station and every sports program and every newspaper and every television series not even related to sports at all! I'm gonna go with the Vikings.
CAR at ARI: The clearly-better team is the Cardinals.
ATL at NO: How can I pick against a fleur-de-lis? Saints.