Positive Thoughts for this Week

I think February hates me. For serious.

It seems like every year, around this time, I go through a really down period. Everything sucks. Even when good things are going on, it still feels like it sucks. So, once again, I bring you the good things that happened to Kirsten this week:

1. I bought a pink purse from Target. My weakness for accessories is well-known and although I shouldn't have, I did. I actually saw it and told myself that if I still wanted it after I had finished my real shopping, I could get it. How can you say no to a pink purse? It screams, Spring is here! And when winter has sucked as much as mine, that is exactly what I needed.

2. Tahitian Twist from Benton Park Cafe. Three Olives Espresso Vodka in a blended vanilla latte. Party in my mouth!

3. I made chili. At six in the morning. Mostly because I couldn't go back to sleep. But since I did it while the rest of the house was asleep, there were no interruptions and it had a good long time to sit and let all the flavors marry and become delicious. As we all know, reheated chili is the best kind.

4. I have decided to purge my closets. If anyone in the St Louis area (or hell, even if you aren't, I can mail things) is interested in gently used clothes (medium, 10-12 and some large sizes), shoes (size 8) and bags let me know. You can have whatever you like before I take them to either the thrift store - if they aren't douche canoes like they usually are and actually take my clothes - or Goodwill.

5. Finally finished The Help. I know I normally do a separate book post, but I don't feel like it this week. Let's just say I really enjoyed it and recommend to anyone who hasn't already read it.

Okay. That's all for now. Back to work on my Slytherin scarf for husband

For Sale

For Sale: One old life, slightly used. Includes outfits that were barely worn and a degree that was never used. Slightly damaged but in good condition.

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AndreAnna was talking yesterday on her blog about living simpler. She's preparing to move halfway across the country, so downsizing her stuff makes sense. I don't have the excuse of a move, but I do have a need to do the same.

I look around my house and I see so many things that I just don't need anymore. I have business suits and blazers, dress pants and nice tops from my brief stint as a shift supervisor. If it hadn't been for a craptacular shift of doom and me being blamed entirely for it and then, without being told, no longer scheduled for those shifts, I might still be at that job. I might still have a use for all those nice clothes. But where would I use them now? Part of me wants to hang onto them in the hope that maybe one day I will figure out what it is I want to do and return to work. Deep down, however, I know that I won't. I never want to work a soul crushing job ever again; be it shift supervisor at a restaurant or lowly office drone.

Then there is everything else. A random collection of stuff that I don't really need. Books and movies I will never read or watch again no matter how much I liked them. Crappy fleece blankets, old pillows, boxes of mystery items that have been unopened since our move four years ago.

I wish someone would come into my house and do the purging for me. I won't be able to do it myself because I will always come up with some lame excuse for keeping things. But I don't need them.

I don't need all this stuff.

I Can't

I promised myself that I would try not to be so negative this week.

Today I can't.

I just can't.

Trivia Nights are Serious Business

I have never been a social butterfly. Do people still use that term? I prefer a quiet night in with a book and my husband, snuggling in bed. Or sipping a glass of wine and watching a movie. I used to go out more. Not just before the baby was born, it has been several years. Going out after a long shift at [redacted] was just what we did. Myself and the other servers would go to Growlers and drink beer or go to Houlihan's (classy, eh?) and have martinis. But then I got married. My close friends who I worked with there moved away and I didn't much feel like going out without them. Then I changed jobs and was up at 3:45 in the morning four or five days a week and on the days when I didn't have to get up early the next morning I was too exhausted to do anything else.

Hell must have frozen over because I had not one, not two, but three things planned for this weekend.

Friday evening, my friend Desiree invited me out for dinner and drinks at the Scottish Arms since she had an online friend (see it can be done!) visiting from out of town. Husband stayed home with baby and I went out hoping to have a good time. Which I did. Black and Tans make everything better. And so do pasties (and by pasties, I don't mean the things strippers wear to cover their nipples). Afterwards, we headed out to the City Museum. I apologize to my non-St Louis readers that I didn't bring my camera so you all could know what I'm talking about, but think giant playground. Somewhere in one of the tunnels when my knees started hurting, I realized that I'm getting far too old for this. It's fun and there is booze (although I didn't have any this time) but the next several days when your shins and elbows are entirely bruises it's hard to remember how fun it was.

Of course, when Momma's away, baby is cranky. She woke up four times Friday night, so in addition to being sore and slightly headachy from the two drinks I had the night before, I was also exhausted. But Saturday means Knitty Knerds day! Myself and my old lady young and hip knitting friends gather and work on our various projects of the yarn variety. I finally finished my Christmas presents this week. And only two months late! We also enjoyed the wonderfully terribleness that is Ella Enchanted. That's right, I like cheesy chick flicks. Anyone have a problem with that?

Saturday evening was event number three. I told you there were three things! My friend's fiancé was turing 32, that old man, so she arranged a surprise for him which was a whole group of us going to a trivia night at the Botanical Gardens. Now, I don't know about other parts of the country, but here in St Louis, trivia nights are serious business. Everyone is super competitive and usually everyone goes all out bringing their own food and wine. (Because of a contract the gardens have with a catering company, outside food was not allowed, but a delicious buffet and Schlafly beer was provided.) I am convinced that the table that won was a bunch of cheaters since they got way too many questions right considering how hard some of them were, but we came in a respectable fifth out of twenty. Not too shabby. Plus there were mustaches:

That is my dear friend Meredith's husband. I hope he doesn't mind that I posted this picture for all of the internet to see.

Technically I had a fourth thing planned for Sunday - going to see Shutter Island - but I was so exhausted I could barely move yesterday. I didn't manage to be upright for more than fifteen minutes at a time until about 5:30 that evening. Despite the tiredness and the still massively bruised body parts, I had a really great time and I hope the awesomeness will extend to this week. I would really like to make it through one week that doesn't suck total ass.

On the Road to Positivity

I am trying.

I am trying to be positive.

Life has really been getting me down recently. For a lot of reasons. Reasons that I am somewhat reluctant to discuss in such a public forum.

Let's just say, things in the financial area have been going really badly. I thought we had sorted it out, but it turns out we didn't. I hate mortgage lenders. That extra income you need from us would require me to go back to work full time which means we would have to get full time child care which means that extra income doesn't do us any good.

Our chimney was finally fixed today. But it turns out the second chimney was in even worse shape. There's another chunk of money we don't have gone.

I've been sick. Brian's been sick. He whines like a little girl when he's sick and it annoys me. He gets a break from everything because he gets to go to work. Where he can close the door and not actually do any work at all if he wants. I don't get a break. I have to drag my sick-ass out of bed and take care of another human being all day long. I love her so I don't really mind, but it is exhausting and I never really get a chance to get healthy again.

I'm overwhelmed. I feel like crying all the time. But I am attempting to be positive. I'm on my way. I will focus on the things that make me happy. Like the fifteen minutes I get to myself driving out to Starbucks for a Caramel Apple Spice (What can I say? I'm obsessed). Or reading a really good book. Or this adorable hat that I just received in the mail:

Seriously. Been coveting this since before Lorelei was born.

This weekend I have plans. Substantial ones for the first time in three-plus months. Tonight is dinner out with the girls at the Scottish Arms. Beer! And tomorrow is super secret surprise for friend's fiancé's birthday. Maybe a good weekend will help me on my road to positivity.

How to Make Friends...

...or, could someone please tell me how to make friends cause I suck at it?

This post has been kicking around in my brain for the last week, which might have something to do with my rather light posting recently. But ever since my mini-breakdown last Monday night - trust me, you don't want to know the details - this is something that has really been bothering me.

At the risk of sounding all woe-is-me-my-life-sucks-so-much: I am a terrible friend. Well, terrible at keeping friends. I hate to text. I hate to talk on the phone. And I am probably the worst person to send an e-mail to since I always forget to reply. Thank goodness for things like Facebook and Twitter but even with the wonders of modern technology, I still suck at it. It's a great way to sorta kinda know what people who I used to be much closer with are up to these days but it also makes me feel extremely guilty for not keeping in better touch with everyone. If you don't live in the same city as me, it is quite possible that we aren't going to keep in touch and if you do live in the same city, there is still no guarantee. There are friends of mine who I rarely see and when I do it is never planned. For example, I was at that mall and saw that my friend Sarah had started working at [redacted] again and I had no clue.

Or here's another thing, seeing that a guy I had a crush on in high school (if you're reading this, Hi Aaron!) is facebook friends with my brother and then I got all weird and self-conscious and fretted for three days about whether or not I should friend him because even though we're both married with kids I still felt like that awkward fourteen year old and worried that he would deny my friend request. Or that he would think I was some kind of weird stalker loser. I don't know how to start talking to him again but I would really like to because, hey he has kids too and maybe that would make me feel less totally weird about having a baby.

That's another thing. I have started to feel increasingly more isolated now that I've had Lorelei. Not because I don't have really great friends who are incredibly eager to help me out in anyway that they can, but I don't have anyone I'm really close to who is also a mother - since I can't really count my best friend from elementary school since she lives all the way in England now. I really wish there was someone out there either here or on the interwebs that I could connect with. Who would say, "Yeah, sometimes parenthood sucks but it's going to get better." I don't know how to go about making friends with people on-line. I know there are people out there who do it but I don't get it. Should I keep commenting on their blogs and twitter and hope that maybe one day they'll notice me and say, "You seem not loser-y at all. Let's be friends." I want that.

Okay, yeah. It's taken me a whole day to write this and now I feel weird so if you've stuck with me through the end of this, suggestions are welcome.

Big Girl

I'm A Badass

Well, not really. But I do have those songs that when they start playing on iTunes that I what to put on my knee-high boots and a leather jacket and start kicking ass. Songs that scream, "Time to wear ridiculous amounts of leather!" Here are my songs:

1. "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys: Do I really need to explain this one?

2. "Love Me Dead" by Ludo: This song can be described best by one single line, "You're hideous and sexy!"

3. "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse: I would like to thank Guitar Hero for introducing me to this band. This song is actually what inspired this post.

4. "The Little Things" by Danny Elfman: Ah Wanted! It was a horrible and yet delightfully fun movie. And who knew Danny Elfman could sing?

5. "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" by Cake: No explanation necessary.

6. "Get Out of My Way" by Cowboy Mouth: It's a shame that there are only two original members left in this band, it used to be one of the best live concerts out there. This song still kicks ass though!

7. "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen: We make the rocking world go 'round.

There's my short list of bad ass songs. What are yours?

This Week in Books 2/3-2/11

So this week was basically sucktacular and my reading time severely limited. I did, however, manage to finish one book. Quickly, before little bit decides she needs my full and undivided attention (Just as I wrote this sentence, she crapped her pants. My life is awesome!):

Shades of Grey: The Road to High Saffron

By Jasper Fforde

Pages: 390

If you have read any Jasper Fforde - by the way, how the heck do you pronounce that, is it like Smith or something, silly Welshmen - I guarantee you will like this. Man I love me some delicious dystopian fiction. Here's the gist: the world is run based on what and how much color you can see. Most people can only see one. Of course, on the surface, everything is hunky-dory but there is a disturbing secret of how they keep the society running so smoothly. A little bit darker than the Thursday Next series, but with the same amount of dry humor and obscure references.

Up next: Trying to finish The Help for book club by Monday. Fingers crossed.

Lorelei's Schedule

I have determined - although I could be wrong because I don't really know what I'm talking about - that if Lorelei does not adhere to a pretty strict schedule, she becomes a horrible cranky demon child. I shouldn't complain too much since she is generally well-behaved in public - even during church! - and sleeps for most of the night no problem. But if her day does not go exactly as planned, she loses her shit and will not calm down. This has caused me to have a few minor break downs over the last few days. In order to keep her happy, this is what our day looks like:

7:30-8 am: Wake up. Change disgustingly soaked through diaper. (We use cloth diapers, so we have to use two overnight and they are both soaked in the morning). Change clothes and feed.

8-8:30 am: Play time. Either on the gym or with me or both depending on her mood. This is usually when I start doing chores since she is pretty self-sufficient while playing.

8:30-9:30 am: Change diaper (again). Either sit quietly in her swing while I shower or use the computer. Poop. Get cranky so I have to hold her.

9:30-10:15 am: Second breakfast and brief morning nap.

10:15 am - 12ish pm: Cuddle with mommy. Or lay on the boppy while I do laundry. Eat. Afternoon nap time around 12 or 12:30.

3 pm: Wake up from nap. Change and feed. This is the best time to do errands since it doesn't interfere with her usual nap time.

5 pm: Evening nap.

8-8:30 pm: Cranky pants. Time to get ready for bed. Although she usually won't go to sleep until after 9.

4-4:30 am: Time for late night feeding and then back to bed

It's not all terrible. Like I said, when she is in a good mood and we stick to the schedule, I get things done and she's not too cranky, but I sometimes worry that I am raising a baby who is going to be very spoiled and picky as she gets older. Hrm.

3 Months

Dear Lorelei,

Another month has gone by too quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting down to write one of these for your two month birthday. What has happened this month?

You have started to sleep through the night. Whenever I say that, its as if there is a choir of angels in my head singing the "Hallelujah" chorus. Perhaps I am tempting fate by letting the world know of your excellent sleeping habits, but I want to shout it from the rooftops! MY DAUGHTER SLEEPS FOR EIGHT HOURS! Usually. Unless your father keeps you up late to watch the end of the Superbowl. Ahem.

Speaking of which, last night you sat propped up on the couch - you can sort of sit up now but you still need a bit of help staying upright - and watched most of the game with us. At first we thought that perhaps you were a Colts fan because you smiled and made happy noises when the kicked that first field goal. And then you made distressed noises when the Saints scored in the second quarter. By the end of the game, however, I was sure you were going to start saying, "Who Dat!" Oh yeah, the Saints won!

One of my favorite things to do with you is to lay curled up in bed with you next to me. We'll be face to face and you'll reach out your little hand and grab my nose. Or my cheek fat. Or my eye. You have even managed to pull the glasses off my face. You'll just lay there smiling and cooing and generally being adorable. On the days when I'm not doing so well, that will always make me feel better.

Littlest peanut, last week we started dressing you in your three month clothes. I wanted to cry. You are growing up far too fast. It seems like just a few days ago you were so small that I could hold you in one arm and it wouldn't even be difficult. I will try to savor these moments because I know you won't be a baby forever.

Love,

Your Mother

Picture courtesy of Auntie Cecily

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Wednesday was a good day. Well, sort of. It was good in that Brian and I have made progress in bettering our financial situation. Without going into details because its a bit embarrassing, let's just say that we have managed to accumulate a serious amount of debt and if we wanted to continue with me not working and not drown in a pile of bills, something needed to be done. So, we had a meeting with Homestead Financial (for great mortgage rates call 800-GRANNY-8!) to refinance our house. This is a great time to do it since rates are low - we are currently paying somewhere in the 7 % range which is outrageous - and our house is worth significantly more than what we bought it for. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of ifs involved with this process. We'll save money IF it appraises for the amount we estimated. But at least we're making progress towards financial security.

So. Wednesday was good. Thursday sucked the big one. It started out with being out of syrup so I had to use honey on my waffles. I actually like honey on my waffles, but I was also almost out of honey so there wasn't enough to sufficiently smother them. Then I was planning a trip out to the Target Greatland because they have a big grocery section and its mostly cheaper than Schnuck's. I had wanted to print out some coupons at Brian's office - we don't own a printer - but it required a program to be installed and the network wouldn't let us. So, crappy mood continues. Yes, I recognize that this is some pretty stupid stuff to get upset about. After a somewhat unsuccessful shopping trip I came home feeling dizzy and nauseous and instead of wanting to nap, Lorelei decided she wanted to fuss all afternoon. I was this close to finding a convenient roof to jump off of. And because of my crappy day, I wasn't feeling up to going to the ECM board meeting which just made me feel worse.

I'm hoping that today will be better. Friday was pretty good, but it always seems that after a good day I have an even more horrible one. One step forward, two steps back.

Baby Takes Own Picture!

So the other day, in an attempt to keep Miss Lorelei Crankypants calm, I was sitting on the living room floor with her propped up on my knees. And since she was behaving, I thought What a great time to annoy her with the camera! So first, I took a regular picture:

And then she decided that playing with the camera would be fun - I think she was fascinated with the strap - so I let her "help" me with it. Behold her self-portrait:



Isn't she a cutie with her spit bubbles hanging out of her mouth?

This Week in Books 1/26-2/2

Coraline

By Neil Gaiman

Pages: 162

This is only the second book of Neil Gaiman's that I have read (technically third but since he co-wrote Good Omens with Terry Pratchett, I don't count that one). I love him. His books are dark and somewhat twisted and humorous. Although Coraline is essentially a children's book, it still has an element of horror to it which I love. Now I really want to go out and rent the movie version to see how it was interpreted. (Side note: I saw the movie Stardust before I read the book and I liked the movie version better - the book was still wonderful - I wonder how I'll feel about this one)

JPod

By Douglas Coupland

Pages: 464

If you have ever spotted this in the library or bookstore and thought it looked interesting, drop it like a hot potato. Okay, it was funny but it was also completely ludicrous. The people in it are horrible but not in an interesting way. As far as corporate satire goes, I have read better (see: Company by Max Barry). And then there are the random pages of numbers and words in oversized lettering inserted willy-nilly throughout the book as if he was trying to pad his page count. Grumble. I will admit that I'm going to try to read Microserfs - which I've seen good reviews for - before I completely give up on him as an author.

Well, the month of January has ended. To date I have read seven books (SEVEN!) and a total of 2,527 pages. Holy. Crap.

Further Late Night Tidbits

Last night, Brian and I were discussing the upcoming Trivia Night I want to attend (Julie, if you are reading this, yes I'm coming I'm just a forgetful bum and I haven't messaged you). It will be, in all likelihood my first real trip out sans baby. Because we are on a tight budget until we can get some of our finances straightened out (meeting on Wednesday with Homestead Financial - for great mortgage rates call 800-GRANNY-8!), we decided that only one of us would go and, so that Lorelei doesn't have a freak out like she does when she is awake past eight pm, the other person would stay home with her. A little bit more exposition for you: we're finally going to get a joint checking account and since I haven't worked since August, I have many checks sitting unused in a box. A lot of checks. Because I had just spent thirty bucks to buy the cute Humane Society kitty and puppy checks maybe two months before I quit working.

Everyone still with me?

So, Brian says he would write a check for me for the entrance fee but then I said I could do it because, duh, I have a million checks and I actually have money in my account right now. Then I got the crazy idea that I should write out checks for a dollar each and then when I show up on Saturday I would give them twenty checks. Genius, right?

But Brian won this round. He suggested that maybe we should do that when we, hypothetically because it's never going to happen, go to a strip club. Have a bunch of one dollar checks and tell the stripper that she can fill her own name in.

We're special.

A Sign I'm Becoming My Mother

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat: I love my mother. Sure, we haven't always got along, but in general she is pretty awesome. But I have always said that when I was older and had kids of my own that I wouldn't turn into her. I think everyone says that although the transformation is probably inevitable.

When I was growing up, most of the clothes we bought were from the sale rack. My mother knew when they were about to mark down merchandise and would be there first thing in the morning to troll the racks. There is nothing wrong with this at all. But I've never been able to get into it. I think I am too overwhelmed by the disorder and complete randomness. I like it when things are arranged neatly by style and color, I don't like a jumble. Don't even get me started on those box sales. I think I start breaking out into hives whenever I even attempt those.

I have changed my ways. Especially with a baby, it seems stupid to spend full price on clothes for her when she'll only be wearing them for a few months. Today, I bought her a winter coat. On sale. For next winter. Because, guess what, it doesn't matter if it's "in style" or not. It's a coat. For a baby.