My Labor Story

...or the things you never learn from the movies.

I have been attempting to write a coherent and not boring post about the birth of my daughter since Thursday. Trouble is, I don't think anyone out there really wants to hear all the gory details of my labor and delivery. So, here are the highlights.

• Apparently, food poisoning can send you into labor. I ate a bad can of soup Thursday night, threw up and then started having frequent if somewhat irregular contractions.
• Pregnancy assessment is the devil. I was there Friday night with contractions about 4 minutes apart but got sent home because there hadn't been any change in my cervix since I had gotten there. And then on Saturday, when we went back and my contractions had gotten worse, they tried to send me home twice but I refused because I think I knew it was going to be that night.
• Also, how depressing is pregnancy assessment? It's a tiny room with a very uncomfortable bed that has extremely sketchy floral wallpaper.
• When they break your water, did you know that it feels like you peed yourself? And then during subsequent contractions it continues to feel like your peeing yourself?
• No matter how badly I didn't want to get an epidural (another random fact, they have to give you a catheter when you get an epidural because not only can you not feel your legs but you also have no concept of whether or not you need to pee), when I was screaming in pain because oh my god this whole breathing through a contraction shit is not working, I will break down.
• Fifteen minutes after they finished giving me the epidural - which they had to do twice because the anesthesiologist didn't place it quite right the first time - I was fully dilated and ready to push. What. The. Fuck? Didn't even have a time to give me a catheter. Yes! Those things freak me out.
• That whole you push for like twenty minutes and then your done is a complete lie. I pushed for approximately two and a half hours. It was probably made harder because I couldn't feel anything from the waist down except for some horrible pressure in my hips and the urge to poop myself.
• It was all worth it. At 2:24 am on November 8th, Lorelei Jane was brought into the world and she is perfect.

She is fifteen days old and I can still just lie there staring at her for hours. I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone as much as I love her.